Networking fails when you pitch yourself to strangers and hope they help you. The alternative: lead with curiosity, not transaction. Use specific conversation starters instead of generic openers. Master small talk that transitions to career topics naturally. The goal is a relationship that leads to opportunities, not an immediate favor.
- How to network effectively (and who to target)
- Conversation starters that actually work at networking events
- Small talk questions that lead to real connections
- How to transition from small talk to career topics naturally
- Networking tips for introverts and anxious networkers
- Word-for-word scripts for events, LinkedIn, and follow-ups
Quick Answers
What are good conversation starters for networking?
The best conversation starters are specific to the person or context: 'I noticed you work on [X]—what's that been like?' or 'What brought you to this event?' Avoid generic openers like 'What do you do?' and lead with genuine curiosity instead.
How do I make small talk at networking events?
Start with context-based questions (the event, a speaker, the venue). Use follow-up questions to go deeper: 'What happened next?' or 'Why do you think that is?' The goal is to find genuine common ground, not fill silence.
How do I network without feeling fake?
Lead with genuine curiosity instead of a pitch. Ask questions you actually want answered. Networking feels fake when it's transactional—focus on learning something instead of extracting a favor.
What are the best networking tips for introverts?
Skip crowded events and focus on smaller settings or 1:1 coffee chats. Introverts excel at deep listening and thoughtful questions—use that strength. Prepare 2-3 specific questions in advance to reduce anxiety.
A senior engineer at a tech conference—15 years of experience, has led teams of 40 people, has negotiated $500K comp packages—freezes mid-sentence when someone asks: "So what are you looking for next?"
This happens constantly. Smart, accomplished people who can handle high-stakes negotiations suddenly forget how to start a conversation when "networking" is involved.
The problem isn't a lack of social skills. The problem is that conventional networking tips—"work the room," "always have an elevator pitch ready," "follow up within 24 hours"—create an adversarial dynamic where everyone is performing at each other. No wonder people dread small talk at networking events.
Here's how to network effectively: with real conversation starters, practical networking techniques, and word-for-word scripts that actually work.
How to network strategically: Who to target
Building relationships with specific people who can directly influence your career trajectory—rather than collecting contacts randomly. Quality over quantity.
Most networking advice skips the most important question: who should you spend your limited networking energy on?
Not everyone is worth networking with. That sounds harsh, but time is finite. Here's how to prioritize:
The three tiers of networking targets
Tier 1: Decision-makers at target companies
These are hiring managers, team leads, or executives at companies where you'd actually want to work. They can refer you directly, vouch for you internally, or tell you about roles before they're posted.
How to find them: LinkedIn Sales Navigator, company team pages, conference speaker lists, podcast guests.
Tier 2: Peers one step ahead of you
People who recently made the transition you want to make—same role, similar background, 1-3 years ahead. They remember what worked and can give tactical advice.
How to find them: LinkedIn searches for "[Your Target Role] + formerly [Your Current Role]", alumni networks, industry Slack communities.
Tier 3: Connectors in your target space
Recruiters, community organizers, investors, active LinkedIn posters. They know everyone and can introduce you to Tier 1 and 2 people.
How to find them: Look for people with 10K+ LinkedIn followers in your industry, organizers of meetups you attend, recruiters who specialize in your field.
Networking targets that waste your time
- Random connections with no relevance to your goals
- People at the same level as you (valuable for support, not for advancement)
- Executives too senior to remember entry-level hiring
- Anyone who hasn't worked in your target industry in 5+ years
Before any networking event or outreach, ask: "Can this person directly help me reach my goal, or am I just collecting contacts?"
The desperation signals that kill conversations instantly
Before we talk about what to say, let's address what repels people immediately.
Desperation signals in networking
- Launching into your life story before anyone asks
- Mentioning you're job hunting in the first 30 seconds
- 'I'd love to pick your brain'—vague and puts the burden on them
- Asking for introductions before building any rapport
- Pitching yourself like a product ('I'm a self-starter who...')
- Following up the next day with 'Did you get a chance to...'
These signals communicate: "I need something from you. I'm here to extract value."
Even if that's partially true (you are looking for opportunities), leading with it repels people. Help comes from people who like you—not from people you've cornered.
The more you obviously want something, the less likely you are to get it. People help those they like and trust—not those who seem to need them.
The mindset shift: curiosity over transaction
Here's the reframe that changes everything:
Transaction mindset: "How can this person help me?"
Curiosity mindset: "What can I learn from this person?"
When you lead with genuine curiosity:
- You ask better questions
- You listen more
- People feel valued (because you're actually interested)
- Connections form naturally
- Help comes later—without forcing it
Curious people are interesting. Desperate people are draining. Be curious.
Conversation starters that actually work
An opening line or question designed to initiate dialogue. Effective conversation starters are specific, context-aware, and invite genuine response—not generic icebreakers that feel forced.
Most "conversation starter" lists give you generic questions like "What do you do?" or "Nice weather, right?" These are fine, but forgettable. Here are conversation starters that actually lead somewhere:
Context-based conversation starters
These work because they're specific to the situation—not something you could say anywhere.
- 'What brought you to this event?' (better than 'What do you do?')
- 'Did you catch [speaker's name]'s talk? What did you think?'
- 'I'm trying to meet people in [specific area]—is that your space?'
- 'This is my first time at [event/group]. Any tips?'
- 'The [food/venue/format] here is [observation]—have you been before?'
Questions that go deeper than small talk
Once you've opened, these questions move beyond surface-level chat:
- 'How did you end up in [their field]?' (everyone has a story)
- 'What's the most interesting thing you're working on right now?'
- 'What's been the hardest part of [thing they mentioned]?'
- 'If you could go back, would you take the same path?'
- 'What do you wish you'd known earlier in your career?'
The follow-up technique
The secret to good conversation isn't the opener—it's the follow-up. After they answer, don't immediately share your own story. Instead:
- "What happened next?" — Invites them to continue
- "Why do you think that was?" — Shows genuine curiosity
- "That's interesting—how did you figure that out?" — Validates and probes
- Let silence breathe — People often share more after a pause
The best conversation starters are specific to the context and the person. Generic openers get generic responses.
How to make small talk (without it feeling pointless)
Light, informal conversation about non-controversial topics. Often dismissed as superficial, but serves a crucial social function: building initial trust and finding common ground before deeper conversation.
Small talk gets a bad reputation, but it serves a purpose: it's how strangers establish enough comfort to have real conversations.
The problem isn't small talk itself—it's bad small talk that goes nowhere.
Small talk topics that actually lead somewhere
Small talk questions by context
At networking events:
- "What sessions are you most looking forward to?"
- "Have you been to this event before? How does it compare?"
- "What's your take on [recent industry news]?"
At company events or mixers:
- "Which team are you on? What are you all working on?"
- "How long have you been with [Company]? What's changed?"
- "I'm new here—what's something I should know?"
Online (LinkedIn, Slack, Twitter):
- "I saw your post about [topic]—what made you write about that?"
- "Your comment on [thread] was interesting. Can you say more?"
- "I noticed we're both in [group/community]. How did you find it?"
Keep your responses brief (green light = keep going), watch for signals they want to share more (yellow = slow down and listen), and don't overstay if they seem eager to move on (red = wrap up gracefully).
Good small talk is a bridge, not a destination. Use it to find genuine common ground, then go deeper.
Word-for-word scripts for opening conversations
The first 30 seconds matter. Here are scripts for different scenarios—not vague principles, but actual words you can use.
At tech meetups or industry events
"Hey, I noticed [Company] on your badge—I've been following your team's work on [specific project/product]. What's it been like working on that?" Or if you don't know the company: "What brought you to this event? I'm trying to figure out if anyone actually comes for the talks or if it's all about the free pizza."
At conferences or professional events
"Your point about [specific thing they said] was interesting—I've seen the opposite in my experience with [brief context]. What made you come to that conclusion?" Or at a networking break: "I don't know many people here. Mind if I join you? What session are you most looking forward to?"
On LinkedIn (cold outreach)
Connection request note (under 300 characters): "Your post about [specific topic] resonated with me—especially [specific point]. I'm exploring similar challenges at [context]. Would love to connect." Follow-up message after they accept: "Thanks for connecting! I'm curious about something you mentioned in your [post/talk/article]: [specific question]. What led you to that approach?"
At alumni or affinity group events
"I'm [Name], [graduating class/role]. I'm trying to learn more about [specific area]—have you worked in that space at all?" Or for shared affinity: "How did you end up at [Company]? I'm exploring opportunities in [industry] and trying to understand what paths people take."
The best openers follow this pattern: "I noticed [specific thing about them]. I'm curious about [related question]." This shows you did your research and have a genuine question—not just a desire to talk at them.
How to transition from small talk to career topics (naturally)
You've mastered small talk questions and conversation starters. Now you need to steer toward career topics without making it awkward.
This is where most people fail: they either stay in small talk forever (and never get to the point) or they abruptly pivot to "So, are you hiring?" (and kill the vibe).
Here's how to transition naturally:
Start with their world, not yours
Ask about their work, their company, their challenges. Get them talking about things they enjoy discussing. Most people love talking about themselves—let them.
Find natural bridges
As they talk, listen for connections to your interests:
- "That's interesting—I've been exploring that space too."
- "Your team's approach to [X] is similar to something I worked on."
- "I've been thinking a lot about [related challenge]."
Share your context briefly (under 30 seconds)
When the moment feels right, briefly mention your situation. Don't monologue:
- "I'm currently exploring opportunities in [area]."
- "I'm thinking about my next move—trying to learn more about [field]."
- "I'm transitioning from [A] to [B] and trying to understand the landscape."
Pivot to advice-seeking, not favor-asking
Instead of asking for a job or referral, ask for perspective:
- "What would you tell someone trying to break into [field]?"
- "If you were in my position, what would you focus on?"
- "Are there people or resources you'd recommend I look into?"
Them: "Yeah, we've been scaling the platform team pretty aggressively. It's been chaotic but exciting." You: "That sounds intense. What's been the hardest part of scaling that fast?" Them: "[Answers with challenges]" You: "That's really interesting. I've actually been exploring platform engineering roles myself—I'm coming from a backend background and trying to understand what skills matter most in that transition. Based on what you've seen, what separates candidates who get callbacks from those who don't?"
The transition from casual conversation to career topic should feel natural. If you've been genuinely curious about their work, sharing your context feels like part of the conversation—not an ambush.
Asking for referrals without being weird about it
At some point, you need to ask for something. Here's how to do it without triggering the "this person just wants something from me" alarm.
The wrong way
How NOT to ask for referrals
- 'Can you refer me?' (too direct, no context)
- 'Can you help me get a job there?' (puts huge burden on them)
- 'I saw you work at [Company]—can you put in a word?' (from strangers)
- 'I'd love to pick your brain' (vague, extractive)
The right way
Be specific about what you need
"Can you help me?" is vague and burdensome. "Would you be open to a 15-minute call about your experience on the platform team?" is specific and easy to answer.
Make it small
Small asks build trust for larger asks later:
- ❌ "Can you refer me for a job?"
- âś… "Would you have 15 minutes to share your experience on the team?"
Give an easy out
Always make it comfortable to say no:
- "Totally understand if you're too busy."
- "No pressure if this isn't something you're comfortable with."
Frame as advice, not favor
"I'd value your perspective on..." feels different from "Can you do me a favor?"
After a good conversation (not as an opener): "I've really enjoyed learning about your experience at [Company]. I noticed there's a [Role] opening on your team. Based on our conversation, do you think my background might be a fit? And if so, would you be comfortable making an introduction to the hiring manager?" Key elements: - References the relationship you've built - Specific role, not "any job" - Asks about fit first (gives them an out) - Specific ask (intro to hiring manager, not vague "referral")
"I'm exploring a transition into [field]. Your path from [their background] to [current role] is exactly what I'm trying to understand. Would you have 20 minutes sometime to share what that transition was like? I'm particularly curious about [specific question]." Why this works: - Flatters without being sycophantic - Specific timeframe (20 minutes) - Specific question (not "tell me everything") - Advice requests often lead to offers of help
The best referral asks come after building genuine rapport. If you've had a real conversation, asking for help feels natural—not transactional.
How to end conversations gracefully (and memorably)
The close matters as much as the open. Most people fumble the ending.
Signal the transition
When you're ready to move on, give a subtle signal:
- "I should let you get back to the event..."
- "I know I've taken a lot of your time..."
- "This has been really valuable—before I let you go..."
End with something memorable
Instead of a generic "Nice to meet you":
- "Your point about [X] really changed my thinking—thank you for that."
- "I'll definitely check out [thing they recommended]."
- "The way you described [challenge] was really clarifying."
Make the next step clear
If you want to stay in touch, say so explicitly:
- "Would it be okay to connect on LinkedIn?"
- "I'd love to continue this—can I send you an email?"
- "If you're open to it, I'd love to grab coffee when you have time."
Follow through within 24-48 hours
If you said you'd do something, do it. Send the follow-up. Connect on LinkedIn. Share the resource you mentioned. Reliability builds relationships.
Subject: Great meeting you at [Event] Hi [Name], Really enjoyed our conversation at [Event] yesterday—your perspective on [specific topic] was exactly what I needed to hear. You mentioned [resource/person/idea]. I looked into it and [brief reaction/takeaway]. If you're ever interested in continuing the conversation, I'd love to grab coffee. Either way, thanks for taking the time. [Your Name]
Industry-specific networking norms
Networking culture varies significantly by industry. What works in tech might be off-putting in finance.
Tech (software, startups, product)
- Casual tone is expected—formal language can feel stiff
- Open source contributions, blog posts, and side projects are credibility signals
- Twitter/X and Slack communities often matter more than LinkedIn
- Direct cold outreach is common and accepted
- Referrals are the primary hiring channel—networking directly impacts hiring
Finance (investment banking, private equity, hedge funds)
- Formal language and dress codes still matter
- Pedigree (school, previous firms) is heavily weighted
- Informational interviews are expected—but respect hierarchy
- Alumni networks are extremely powerful (use them)
- Coffee chats are transactional—come with specific questions
Consulting (strategy, management consulting)
- Case-based thinking is valued even in conversations
- Demonstrate structured thinking in how you ask questions
- Partner/Principal-level contacts are most valuable for referrals
- Alumni networks are essential (McKinsey, BCG, Bain alumni are tight-knit)
- Be prepared to discuss why consulting and why that firm specifically
If an industry's networking culture feels inauthentic to you, that might be valuable information. Culture fit works both ways.
What NOT to say (common mistakes)
Phrases that kill networking conversations
- 'I'd love to pick your brain'—vague and extractive
- 'Let me tell you about myself'—nobody asked
- 'Can you help me get a job?'—way too direct, too soon
- 'I'm a self-starter with a passion for...'—corporate speak that means nothing
- 'Sorry to bother you...'—undermines your credibility before you start
- 'I know you're busy, but...'—still makes them feel guilty
Behaviors that kill networking conversations
- Looking over their shoulder for someone 'more important'
- Interrupting to make your point
- Talking for more than 60 seconds without asking a question
- Immediately connecting on LinkedIn with no personalized note
- Following up too aggressively ('Did you see my email?')
- Sending a calendar invite without asking first
The networking math: quality over quantity
The return on networking effort measured by outcomes (referrals, interviews, offers) rather than activity (connections made, events attended). High ROI comes from deep relationships with the right people, not shallow connections with many people.
Here's an uncomfortable truth: most networking "activity" produces nothing.
- 50 random LinkedIn connections = near-zero value
- 5 genuine relationships with decision-makers = potential job offers
One genuine conversation with the right person is worth more than 100 business cards from a conference.
Networking tips and techniques that work
- 1Use specific conversation starters—not generic 'What do you do?' openers
- 2Master small talk by asking follow-up questions, not trading statements
- 3Target strategically: decision-makers, peers one step ahead, connectors
- 4Lead with curiosity, not transaction—ask networking questions you care about
- 5Transition from small talk to career topics through shared interests
- 6Make asks small, specific, and easy to decline
- 7Follow up within 24-48 hours with something specific from your conversation
- 8Adapt your networking techniques to industry norms (tech vs. finance)
Frequently Asked Questions
What are the best conversation starters for networking events?
Context-specific openers work best: 'What brought you to this event?', 'Did you catch [speaker]'s talk?', or 'I noticed you work at [Company]—what's that like?' Avoid generic questions like 'What do you do?' which feel transactional.
How do I start a conversation with someone I don't know?
Look for shared context (the event, a mutual connection, something specific about them). Open with an observation or question: 'Mind if I join you?' or 'I'm trying to meet people in [area]—is that your space?' Specific beats generic.
How do I make small talk less awkward?
Use follow-up questions instead of trading statements. When they answer, ask 'What happened next?' or 'Why do you think that is?' This shows genuine interest and gives them permission to share more.
What if I'm an introvert who hates networking?
Reframe it: networking isn't working a room—it's having one-on-one conversations with interesting people. Introverts excel at deep listening and thoughtful questions. Skip crowded events and focus on smaller settings or 1:1 coffee chats.
How do I network when I have nothing to offer?
Fresh perspectives, curiosity, enthusiasm, and connections in other areas all have value. Sometimes the best offer is genuine interest—people enjoy talking to those who are genuinely curious about their work.
How long should a networking conversation be?
At events: 5-15 minutes per person is natural. For coffee chats or calls: 20-30 minutes is standard. Respect the time agreed upon, but if conversation flows, ask: 'I'm mindful of your time—should we wrap up?'
What are good networking questions to ask?
Questions that invite stories work best: 'How did you end up in [field]?', 'What's the most interesting challenge you're facing?', 'What do you wish you'd known earlier?' Avoid questions with one-word answers.
How do I network at events where I don't know anyone?
Look for others standing alone—they're probably feeling the same discomfort. Join group conversations and listen before jumping in. Open with 'Mind if I join you?' or 'What brings you to this event?'
What are the most effective networking techniques?
Three techniques that work: (1) Lead with curiosity—ask questions you actually care about; (2) Offer before you ask—share value first; (3) Follow up within 24-48 hours with something specific from your conversation.
Should I network differently when employed vs. unemployed?
When employed, network before you need to—it's lower pressure. When unemployed, be honest but brief about your situation, then focus on learning rather than asking for jobs directly. Desperation is more visible when you need something.
Researching Job Market & Building AI Tools for Job Seekers since December 2020
Sources & References
- The 2-Hour Job Search: Using Technology to Get the Right Job Faster — Steve Dalton (2020)
- Never Eat Alone: And Other Secrets to Success, One Relationship at a Time — Keith Ferrazzi (2014)
- LinkedIn Workforce Report
- SHRM: Employee Referrals Remain Top Source for Hires